


heartbeat

by thisissirius



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 16:04:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9392627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisissirius/pseuds/thisissirius
Summary: Robert’s used to fighting with Aaron, not quite this knock-down drag out kind of fight, but the softer kind, the stupid kind. This feels more raw and dangerous,breakable. Robert doesn’t know how to fix this kind.





	

**Author's Note:**

> because tonight's episodes ruined me hahaha i'm fine
> 
> (not)
> 
> why do they do this to me. (also sorry about this but i love robert so much okay.)

The bed is cold.

It’s been a long time since Robert was alone, not since Aaron went off to france, but it wasn’t like this then. They hadn’t been in a crash, Robert hadn’t heard a flatline, didn’t have a ring on his finger, wasn’t terrified.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Robert places his ring on the bedside table. He wants to put it back on, the weight of it an obvious absence from his hand, but he can’t. Aaron deserves to see him do that, deserves to know that Robert’s serious about staying with him.

Burying his fingers in his hair, Robert rests his elbows on his knees and takes a deep breath, eyes clenched shut.

_I hate who I am with you_

Robert’s throat feels tight, his eyes burn. The look on Aaron’s face, having to watch him being handcuffed and led away - Robert thought they were better, he’s been so happy. Maybe, maybe he was wrong and Aaron isn’t sabotaging himself; maybe it’s Robert who doesn’t get to be happy. After everything he’s done, why should he?

Aaron deserves so much better.

A light flicks on outside the door, and there are footsteps on the landing. Robert holds his breath, hopes Chas isn’t coming back to talk to him. (She’d shouted, blamed him. apologised right after, Liv standing silent and angry by her side.) Thankfully she heads for the bathroom, Robert hears the door shut.

Liv’s music is a steady thump in the background, but it just makes Aaron’s absence all the more obvious. Robert swallows thickly.

_I can_ _’t make you happy_

Robert’s phone lights up on the bedstand. Vic; _he’ll be okay. will you?_

_No_ , Robert wants to say. He ignores her instead, knows she’ll just keep texting, but he doesn’t care. Dropping back onto the bed, he squirms until he’s under the covers, his back to Aaron’s side. Maybe if he doesn’t look at it, it won’t feel wrong.

Except Aaron’s not there to curl up behind him, nose to the nape of Robert’s neck, hand warm on his stomach. Aaron’s not there to snore softly in his ear, to grunt and shove him away when he kicks. Aaron’s not there to kiss Robert’s shoulder, his collarbone, his lips. Aaron’s not there.

Anger coils low in Robert’s stomach. Maybe if -

He doesn’t let himself go there.

(Maybe if he hadn’t gone with Rebecca, maybe if they’d left for Vegas earlier, maybe if he hadn’t proposed, maybe if they’d just stayed mates.)

Everything feels wrong, disjointed.

Robert wants to apologise. He wants to put the ring back on his finger. He wants to marry Aaron and prove, keep on proving, that he can be the person Aaron needs. Neither of them are good at talking, but if tonight’s proved anything, it’s that they haven’t been.

Robert’s used to fighting with Aaron, not quite this knock-down drag out kind of fight, but the softer kind, the stupid kind. This feels more raw and dangerous, _breakable_. Robert doesn’t know how to fix that kind and wants Aaron back. They need to work out how to fix it.

_Robert, you don_ _’t have to do that_

Robert’s only ever wanted to make Aaron happy. He clenches his fists, digs the nails hard into the palms of his hands. He’s so angry, at himself, at Aaron, at _everything_.

He doesn’t know how to begin making this right, but he has to. Not for him, for Aaron.

Rolling over, Robert splays a hand on Aaron’s side of the bed. It’s still unmade from that morning, pillow askew, sheet half pulled from the corner. Robert’s heart aches and he closes his eyes, buries his face in his own pillow.

_I love you_

“I love you,” Robert says, breath hitching when he doesn’t hear it back.

_And I love you_

Robert buries himself deeper in the duvet, fists the sheet into his hand. He hates this empty bed. Hates the silence, the cold, the absence. Hates himself for causing this, some of this. He can make it up to Aaron. He’ll talk to Finn, Kasim maybe, do _something_ to help.

He hates the thought of Aaron in prison, knows what Aaron must be going through, tearing himself apart from the inside. Robert’s supposed to be there for him, will be there for him.

No matter what, Robert’s standing by him.

_I chose you_

Robert breathes deep, ignores the burning in his eyes, and tries to ignore the gaping hole in his bed, _life_ , that’s shaped like Aaron.

_I want you to want me. Just me and nobody else._

Robert does. Could never want anyone else. He wishes he’d said that, wishes he’d said a lot of things.

“I’m sorry,” he says, voice raw.

(He doesn’t sleep, not really. Avoiding Chas and Liv the next morning is easy, finding Finn not so much. But Robert’s going to get Aaron out no matter what; he wants that ring back on his finger, wants the life he’s been making with Aaron.)

(Unless -

\- unless Aaron wants it to end.)

**Author's Note:**

> i'm literally [crying on tumblr](http://sapphicsugden.tumblr.com) right now, but come say hi anyway???


End file.
